I question

I question why i keep "blogging" now.  I question why.  I don't like this.  or I thought I didn't.  I think society has just made blogging so idiotic that I am forced to hate it, because that's the type of person I am.  

Basically I am just talking to myself.  I am up at 2 in the AM, talking to myself.  why?  why?  

I am a person losing dreams by becoming them.  

for the sake of...??????

on a day that i was a crazy, i wrote this 

my mind

my mind

my mind

my mind

my mind

my mind

my mind

hey, man

It's not always about me

except that

what else is there to process

in a room of rooms

a building of floors of rooms

and being lost in the world

lost in a small city

lost in a couple stories

a small room

my small lost mind

a small, lost universe

I think that I was talking about being lost.  

chuckle mind

about five days ago, I spent a whole day by myself.  It was nice for a little bit, but towards the end of the day, I started to go crazy because I had no outlet to express anything.  I mean, no outlet that could reciprocate any emotion that I shared.  anyway, at the end of the day I wrote like 10 poems.  what the hell is that.  is it worth it.  do i need to be alone.  why can't i balance my life.  Why do I stop using capitalization when i start questioning myself.

here's one of them:

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAH

my mind is a laughing monster

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH

and my body stays still and quiet

I want to perfect my language

to you and everyone

because I am outwardly a child of bubbles

hiding behind  coffees and teas

and inside, inside everyone and you

yes, I dwell there too

Words

I've recently been thinking about specific words that are important to me.  I want them tattooed on my body.  I will have the year that it was important to me tattooed next to the word.  it will look like this:

2009: dwell

I will do this for the rest of my life.  that would be interesting.  here are some important words to me: wonder, soul, dwell, wander.  

Also, I keep thinking of the word "wanderlust".  I like the feel of that in my mouth.  wanderlust.

a room a room a flute a room

i am eating donuts

they come and go

with ease

oh the ease

I eat donuts

they come and go

with so much ease

one

by one

they disappear

a special thought for each

i am not trying to impress you, you fuck

and i cuss because i am inwardly pissed off

and i love my emotions

and it is my dog

do you know

oh do you

know

The world is yours if you let it be

Dust in the Wind, repeat 1

i was listening to dust in the wind over and over, double-clicking on it once the song ended.

then i finally just put itunes on "repeat 1"

I am essentially myself.

does sadness come from outside or inside?

someone has tried to compartmentalize my bursting, exploding force

they succeed

Hello Wednesday, i have waited for you

i want to be your friend.

i want to stay strangers.

i want to be your friend, 

and i want to stay strangers

vague, everything is vague.

what's the point in spreading vagueness?

My INTERNS

hello people.

while i try to get the Tao Lin's intern's intern's intern page up, i will be accepting any "applications" to become my intern at my email higat@seattleu.edu.

with your "applications", send in a list of the things you like about the puppy in this picture.

do not be cute about it.  be honest.  look at what he is doing, and who he is.  search your heart!

I'm not going to try to do too much advertisement about this position yet, because I feel very unbalanced without the actually site up.  

I suck at html.  

will I be able to survive the coming years without this skill?  

i die.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!

I am

in heaven!

instead!

i stupor of sorts

to boost me with the clouds

release my inhibitions

work

pays off in more

askajak

akljaljka

aa;lco;lakj

internally

Hello,

I am looking for interns to help me get through and understand my life.

You will be paid in...uh...

There are only 2 positions available. 1 male, 1 female

REQUIREMENTS are that you keep communication lines with me open at all times.

I will splatter my life all over you.

I will try to drown you in it, to test you.

I will call you up when I do not want to deal with that stuck up girl going up the elevator

I will call you when i want to look busy

I will call you when i am smoking a cigarette outside at 2 in the morn and my thoughts are overflowing

Think this is the position for you?

yeah right, you fail

I'd like to be at home

Hey world,

In about 6 hours I am going to be standing in front of a small number of you and I am going to do something.  With my voice.  Combining that with some melody.  Alone.  You will be staring at me from far away, not knowing that my chest and knees are phones on vibrate, getting thousands of calls.  And maybe I will make you feel shitty, because I’ll fuck with what I am doing, and you’ll pity me.  I’ll fuck up my voice and my melody not because I want to, but because I can, because it is possible.  You will feel bad and uncomfortable, and I will feel bad and uncomfortable, and we will have our memories for days to come.

See you in hell.

me

Finally

I am fucking rolling tonight.

because, tomorrow I might not be.

and tomorrow, tomorrow I might now be.

and tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow I might not be.

I don't know how that makes me feel...

neutral

Reflecting on my Beginnings

i don't really know if i am being myself here on this blog.  I mean, who is this person? Thad?  thad?  THAd?

I look over my first postings, and feel satisfied and comforted.  I am communing with myself tonight, spending hours messing through my thoughts and typing it out.  

actually i don't like the thought of that.  It's disgUSTing.  Repulsive!!!  that's just me being by myself.  i would love to be with people right now.  I LOVE (some) PEOPLE.  well, it's pretty late.  why do people go to sleep so early?

I am much different in person.  But this is the filtered ESP of me.

Because I have good friends, and just regular friends

in facebook, i wish that there was an option where you could become double friends with someone.  This would only happen with someone who is already your friend.  

for instance, i see "+1 thad is now friends with Gabie Portillo" in my feed.

and then, after we have sent each other messages and numerous wall posts, and maybe recorded each other a couple of videos, I see this "+2 thad is now good friends with Gabie Portillo".

We upgrade.

The Email notification will say: 

Gabie wants to upgrade your friendship to good friends on Facebook.  We need to confirm that you feel comfortable with this transition in order for you to be good friends on Facebook.  

Thanks,

The Facebook Team

First thoughts, 2

I was looking at some of the other intern's intern's blogs, and most of them now mention being Tao Lin's intern's intern.  I feel like referring to someone as "Tao Lin's intern" implies that the person has no soul, because of the generic title that refers to him/her (and also, the lack of a real name).  If this is the case, then how should one feel being "Tao Lin's intern's intern"?  Even now, as I type this, I feel like a mindless beast.  I feel scared.

don't get me wrong.  

I am a wandering soul.

I want some intern's too.

first thoughts 1

i feel that by having a blog I am saying that i have something important to say.  which is true, i do feel like i have something important to say.   but no one cares if i myself say that "i have something important to say!"

Now if someone else said, "hey, this guy thad, he has something important to say, you should listen to him".  well, then I would hold more gravity.  more legitimacy.  will i reach that point?  and do i want that responsibility?

I remember in 10th grade, one of my friends told another friend that he liked the advice i gave him about girls.  that made me feel good.  and prideful.